Face at the Mace: Sydney Haulenbeek


By Gabriel Cabello Torres, Technology Editor

Disclaimer: For legal reasons, this article is satirical and is NOT meant to be taken seriously. I keep forgetting we’re in an age where The Onion is taken seriously.


Surely anyone can be an Editor in Chief, but not everyone can take it so seriously.


Sydney, as normal as she tries to be, is as much of an anomaly as anybody else in the Mace and Crown. Sure, she might not give off the vibe of an introvert conspiring their plan for world domination but… actually no, I take that back. World domination would fit Sydney’s agenda but probably only after she gets to see BTS in concert. Who knows, maybe NOT seeing them in concert would be the final straw? Regardless, Sydney has to take the mantle of being the person organizing a mixed group of organized individuals and procrastinating powder kegs. Yes, the latter most definitely includes me.


What does it take to be an Editor in Chief? Sydney would officially say that it takes a lot of time, determination, an unwavering will to live (just enough to get through the administrative stuff), organizational skills, and sternness. Unofficially, she’d say that you need to get your…ahem…life together and be able to face any and all confrontations for the good of the team. To my knowledge, Sydney doesn’t have any combat training (maybe she’s keeping that a secret). However, she has a 10th degree black belt in the art of “Full Sending It” because her direct approach in speaking and manner can induce blunt force trauma. It could be a minute past 12:30 p.m. and you’d already get a text saying, “Are you going to the meeting today?” When you are FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM THE WEBB CENTER DOOR.


In a way, she’s right about the whole confrontational aspect of being an Editor in Chief. From basically clawing her way through a FOIA process to dealing with unnecessary financial scrutiny, she never fails to show her capacity to set the world on fire.


One can’t help but ask: Is it Sydney’s boldness that gets her through these encounters, or is it the fact that being on the receiving end of it is so draining that one can’t help but concede? The world may never know…


I will take the chance to point out some weird things about Sydney:

She does NOT like the Nine Inch Nails version of “Head Like a Hole” (the original). What an absolute weirdo.

She was obsessed with Halsey’s fourth studio album for a while…but guess who made that album so special in the first place? Nine Inch Nails.

How do you enjoy songs with ambiguous lyrics and great instrumentation…when you don’t even bother listening to Nine Inch Nails?

She’s like a hipster, if hipsters were considered normal people and such people hated hipsters. A hipster’s hipster, if you will.

She’s allergic to seafood, and by allergic I mean she doesn’t like eating food that looks alive. This means that she simply CANNOT eat the smiley face pancakes at IHOP because of its resemblance to a person.

She corrects her grammar mistakes in texts she sends. However, she does so hours after she’s already sent it so you’ll get a text saying “*pressured” when she, in fact, typed “pressureed” earlier.


I will give credit where credit is due. My first interaction with Sydney was when I contributed an article covering the GWAR concert back in 2021. She was NOT ready for the level of over-the-top content about mock presidential beheadings and fake blood being sprayed all over the stage. Despite this, she allowed the piece to be uploaded with a disclaimer at the top (it wasn’t a great article either, but oh well). I will forever be grateful for that whacky introduction to the Mace and Crown…However, what really confuses me about her unwillingness to post a parody metal/punk show was her go-getter attitude on uploading not one BUT TWO high profile, controversial articles that took the first article spot on the Fall 2022 and Spring 2023 magazines. Again, what a weirdo.


Some people are born to set the world on fire. Others like to douse it in gasoline and enable others to start the spark. I can’t speak for which one Sydney is, but something tells me she has no issues with lighting a (METAPHORICAL) molotov cocktail.



Also, there were cricket noises in the office and it was driving Sydney and the rest of the staff to the edge of insanity. This went on for over a month or so…

That was me. I planted the cricket sounds everywhere. You’re welcome.